treading air

I’m currently dating 2 guys at the same time. And not like “oh yeah we’re dating blahblah” shit like…legit dating 2 different guys. Who both know I’m seeing other people….and neither of them are. And it sucks because separate they aren’t people I can/want to be with. But together, they’d make an amazing boyfriend. As horrible as this is for my heart and head, I must say, it’s not too shabby. Like….one is the whole complimentary, do anything for me, fit together boy and the other is the I can talk to about everything all day weeks on end no stopping and still have things to talk about boy. The worst part though is one is my ex. And when we were together he was such a piece of shit. And now that we’ve had time apart and established that, currently, we’re just kinda seeing what happens and no pressure, hes awesome, hes the latter. And if he asked me to be in a relationship with him I would say yes, because I’ve noticed a change, and I would stop seeing the other guy. But then in the back of my head it’s just “hes only being this nice to you because he wants to fuck you”. And I’m not having sex with him. So it’s completely plausible. And sometimes he makes it obvious and other times its like no where near the conversation. But that makes me not want him fully. That makes me still kind of resent him. The other guy…he fucking adores me. And he wants to be with me for a while. I just feel like I can’t talk to him about nearly as much as I can with my ex. I try. I try so hard to make it happen and it just doesn’t. And that’s so frustrating for me because I’m such a conversationalist/get off on mental stimulation kind of person. So with him, even though I could be in some relationship for however long I wanted, it doesn’t seem completely worth it. 

Ok this was my moment to think about it and stress. Going back to living my life and enjoying it.